Watching the world from a distance
Imagining myself high up in the bleachers
Watching a game being played far below
I am feeling oddly separated, yet akin
With everything seen and unperceived.
Another one of life’s infinite paradoxes
That manages to challenge ones’ senses.
To finally understand and then accept
That it is all the same, from all sides.
Letting go of the concept of linear time
To be everywhere in the same instant
There is an absence of any struggling
As calm prevails, oneness is revealed.
The deceleration of aging is no curse
But rather a gift, a precious opportunity
For me to notice life in a far different way.
I am seeing beauty reveal itself to me daily.
The things that are deeply disturbing,
That I have no control over, seem distant
And I have no wish to march in a cause
Losing myself, trying to change what I cannot.
So as my life continues to slow its pace,
I am becoming the proverbial observant.
Connecting to my fellows in a spirit of love
Is what I look forward to most these days.
Within this grace of serenity I insist upon play.
It is an element of self that I treasure most.
Laughing without restraint, letting tears fall
Such close expressions I can barely tell apart.
To step out of the race is to step back into life
In a way I’ve not done or even considered.
There were too many concerns and fears
Pulling me along, seducing me to conspire.
I believed the masquerade for a long time
Presuming a plethora of misconceptions.
Somewhere along the way I quit chasing.
I stopped running after what I already had.
What I have learned and continue to do
Has been tantamount to winding up here
In my own back yard where I first started
I’ve traveled so far yet really, never left home.
I have known great joy and deep sorrow.
Been hopelessly lost and then found again.
All to bring me around to know who I really am.
Seeing from a distance, here in the midst of it all.
Funny how dreams create themselves
Out of random thoughts and incidents
Which occur, obscurely during a day.
They are stored away for future use
And show up in strange nighttime
Ramblings appearing oddly pertinent.
In the first few waking moments of a day
A series of scenes re-run like movie trailers
Briefly making sense, then becoming inane.
How quickly the dramatic imaginings
Of nightly visitations vanish like smoke
Leaving behind only an occasional query.
The more I try to recall, the more illusive.
Attempting to apply language is futile.
Words do not reveal the pictures I see.
They are fleeting, making little sense to me.
The attempt to share becomes fruitless and
Produces only frustration in the exercise.
So as usual dreams grow out of a part of me
I only meet when asleep and I have learned
To let them be what they are and that’s all.
I don’t suppose they come bringing vital messages.
These subliminal callers arrive without bidding.
I just sleep while the greater part of me imagines.
Unexpected Gifts 6-3-21
I’ve heard it said, the pandemic
Has been an introvert’s dream.
Being one of those who prefers
My own company over others
I whole heartily agree.
The challenge, now, however,
As I trepidatiously creep out
Into the sunlight from my lair
Is to make contact once more
Letting hugs melt away fear.
While spending months away
Deep inside my quiet cave
An insatiable desire to create
Rose up and greeted me.
I stepped into a new world.
The year 20/20 is forever etched
Abysmally imbedded in memory.
Preferring not to say any more,
It is what it was and most of us
Survived, somewhat in tact.
Saying good bye to loved ones,
A way of life eternally changed
Hiding behind doors and masks
Refraining from physical contact
Has taken a huge toll.
Exploring this new world
I discovered a new me.
I’ve had the opportunity
To accept what I couldn’t change
Exploring that which I could.
Trusting that I would be led
Into an expansion of life
From that which I’ve known,
Stretching out and touching
Virtually, beyond imagining.
Letting the time communicate
Looking for and seeking
New ways to paint, to mold
To write, to hold and caress life.
Life has sustained me.
A soul longing for meaning
For a purpose amidst change,
So profound and lasting.
Abandoning all I’ve known
For something unfamiliar.
Side-stepping fear, with faith
Hope has led me into the open
The consummation amidst
Known and ineffable destinations
Has created a harmonious path.
In spite of the tumult and tempest
A population and earth convulsing,
Change forced upon us
Has not been entirely in vain.
We are a tenacious lot.
As it is when soil is broken
Turned over and tilled,
Preparing to plant new crops
We have faith in the seeds.
They will spring forth, new life.
Okay, Right Where I am 6-6-21
Sitting on the edge of the world
My life stretches out before me.
Remembering the passing years
A smile becomes laughter
Then just as suddenly, tears.
Both emotions become the other,
Hardly decipherable, how can it be?
Understanding that grief and joy
Can occupy the same space
let go and feel every bit of it.
Mixed together with some regrets
Gratitude wells up inside
Out shining any misgivings.
We live out our lives as best we can
So looking back doesn’t hurt so much
Things seem to take longer to do
I’m not as fluid as I once was,
But never mind, I am in no rush
To get anywhere these days,
’m okay being right where I am.
It’s a conundrum to be here now
Nearing what are to be my last years.
I don’t remember arriving
I simply realized, one day, I had.
So……. I’ll just make the best of it all.
I Don’t Know 5-15-21
I had one of those days again.
Where my skin’s on backwards,
My world is upside down
And my blood is going the wrong way.
Makes for a very irritable, annoyed,
Angry, exasperated and sullen me.
What makes it all worse
I cannot ascertain the cause.
This soggy, heavy wet blanket
Without invitation and stays,
Then leaves again without notice.
If I attempt to find the source
It only makes matters worse.
My only defense against it is
To simply let it be.
The bottom line, I’ve discovered is
Accepting what is present as
An expression of my deep self
Though ineffable, valid.
Way down under the surface
The residue of grief gathers.
It seems to settle and thicken
Until it has to rise up again.
It will greet me at my door
As if a welcome visitor.
I have only to let it in
And sit with it for a spell.
Once I’m past the futility
Of trying to define it,
I am able to accept it’s here
And wait for it to finally leave.
I suppose some might say
I am to make friends with this,
At the very least, quit fighting it.
All things come to pass, eventually.
These kind of days render me
Battle worn and down for the count.
Even when the heaviness lifts
I need alone time to recover.
I am reminded of the distinction
Between mourning and grieving.
The former, an outward expression,
The latter a long journey inward.
Once the steady out pouring of tears
Become silent, lurking behind corners,
They return like a thief in the night
And descend without warning.
When I am able to stop resisting
And let these times come and go,
I believe they will finally integrate
Within the complexities of me.
No one in their right mind
Actually enjoys pain and suffering
But it is an intricate part of life
Necessary to navigate through.
These are the roadsigns that
Guide me towards self care.
I need to give me a hug
Not always trying to figure it out.
It’s best I accept what life brings me,
That includes the lumpy bits.
So when I find myself in the muck
I can make like a pig and just rest.
If I could stop time
And slip inside a mem’ry
There, I’d be with you.
They say love hurts.
So if that’s true why do we keep going back for more?
We do it though.
Over and over again.
I think it’s because life is too barren and cold,
If we don’t take the risk to love
And let ourselves receive it.
Love has so many faces
And who’s to say what is and isn’t love?
The depth of hurt might be equivalent
T o the extent of our love
But then again, maybe not.
Young love often fails, not because it isn’t genuine
It falls short because it’s often not the right fit
And then outgrown.
It still hurts though, worse than anything
First loves have no reference to any past experience.
After the tragedy is survived and the dust settles
Most of us all go back for more.
We try again because in the midst of all the crazy drama
The ultimate hurt, rivers of tears and breaking hearts
There is something gloriously wonderful in there.
That something, that makes us feel higher than high,
More beautiful than ever before
And magically capable of anything
That thing is love.
Nothing in the world quite like it.
So we go back and go back
And go back for more,
Because for most of us,
Life just isn’t worth a toss without it.
The Risk to know Beauty 4-17-21
A Rose Garden
The whole world could be choked with thorns
A lover's heart will stay a rose garden.
The wheel of heaven could wind to a halt
The world of Lovers will go on turning. Rumi
In my wandering through memories
I find I stumble over many these days.
Gazing through a window of tears
I see your face looking back at me
And I am grateful I took the chance.
In spite of the many past heartaches
I said, “Yes” to your invitation to love,
And have never regretted a single day.
No second thoughts, no skepticism,
Taking a leap of faith was worth the risk.
The years have taught me to trust
More in my own wisdom than others.
Making decisions have become mindful,
No longer blindly hoping for the best
I know my heart will choose wisely.
Remembering that we both believed
That a love such as ours was possible
Is what opened the way for us to meet.
In spite of the thorns we saw only roses.
Defying the odds, we found only love.
Am I what I am feeling?
Do my emotions define me?
Spending time on the ocean
Adrift in a boat without oars
I’ve had the chance to trust
That in spite of what I feel
I am safe.
I was so long immersed
In the beguilement of love,
Bathing in the beauty of it,
Sheltered in its protective harbor.
When, in an instant, it was taken,
Rendering me lost and searching
In the many days since
Experiencing the many faces
Of emotions and deep sorrow,
I have learned to acquiesce,
To find contentment within.
Yet it often eludes me, leaving me
Trusting there is a process
Engaged within is an alliance,
A microcosm of the infinite,
Oneness with all that is.
Herein dwells the safe harbor
That keeps me secure
Letting my emotions
Simply be what they are,
Observing the comings
And goings of them all
I might find the freedom
To explore beyond the borders
There can be a coalition
Between grief and joy
Where both might occupy
The same space in time.
Easing the barriers between them
There can be a cease fire
An amicable truce.
Both factors may ebb and flow
As ocean tides have always done.
To facilitate internal peace
Making way for evidential change,