I Don’t Know 5-15-21
I had one of those days again.
Where my skin’s on backwards,
My world is upside down
And my blood is going the wrong way.
Makes for a very irritable, annoyed,
Angry, exasperated and sullen me.
What makes it all worse
I cannot ascertain the cause.
This soggy, heavy wet blanket
Without invitation and stays,
Then leaves again without notice.
If I attempt to find the source
It only makes matters worse.
My only defense against it is
To simply let it be.
The bottom line, I’ve discovered is
Accepting what is present as
An expression of my deep self
Though ineffable, valid.
Way down under the surface
The residue of grief gathers.
It seems to settle and thicken
Until it has to rise up again.
It will greet me at my door
As if a welcome visitor.
I have only to let it in
And sit with it for a spell.
Once I’m past the futility
Of trying to define it,
I am able to accept it’s here
And wait for it to finally leave.
I suppose some might say
I am to make friends with this,
At the very least, quit fighting it.
All things come to pass, eventually.
These kind of days render me
Battle worn and down for the count.
Even when the heaviness lifts
I need alone time to recover.
I am reminded of the distinction
Between mourning and grieving.
The former, an outward expression,
The latter a long journey inward.
Once the steady out pouring of tears
Become silent, lurking behind corners,
They return like a thief in the night
And descend without warning.
When I am able to stop resisting
And let these times come and go,
I believe they will finally integrate
Within the complexities of me.
No one in their right mind
Actually enjoys pain and suffering
But it is an intricate part of life
Necessary to navigate through.
These are the roadsigns that
Guide me towards self care.
I need to give me a hug
Not always trying to figure it out.
It’s best I accept what life brings me,
That includes the lumpy bits.
So when I find myself in the muck
I can make like a pig and just rest.
If I could stop time
And slip inside a mem’ry
There, I’d be with you.