If I could stop time
And slip inside a mem’ry
There, I’d be with you.
They say love hurts.
So if that’s true why do we keep going back for more?
We do it though.
Over and over again.
I think it’s because life is too barren and cold,
If we don’t take the risk to love
And let ourselves receive it.
Love has so many faces
And who’s to say what is and isn’t love?
The depth of hurt might be equivalent
T o the extent of our love
But then again, maybe not.
Young love often fails, not because it isn’t genuine
It falls short because it’s often not the right fit
And then outgrown.
It still hurts though, worse than anything
First loves have no reference to any past experience.
After the tragedy is survived and the dust settles
Most of us all go back for more.
We try again because in the midst of all the crazy drama
The ultimate hurt, rivers of tears and breaking hearts
There is something gloriously wonderful in there.
That something, that makes us feel higher than high,
More beautiful than ever before
And magically capable of anything
That thing is love.
Nothing in the world quite like it.
So we go back and go back
And go back for more,
Because for most of us,
Life just isn’t worth a toss without it.
The Risk to know Beauty 4-17-21
A Rose Garden
The whole world could be choked with thorns
A lover's heart will stay a rose garden.
The wheel of heaven could wind to a halt
The world of Lovers will go on turning. Rumi
In my wandering through memories
I find I stumble over many these days.
Gazing through a window of tears
I see your face looking back at me
And I am grateful I took the chance.
In spite of the many past heartaches
I said, “Yes” to your invitation to love,
And have never regretted a single day.
No second thoughts, no skepticism,
Taking a leap of faith was worth the risk.
The years have taught me to trust
More in my own wisdom than others.
Making decisions have become mindful,
No longer blindly hoping for the best
I know my heart will choose wisely.
Remembering that we both believed
That a love such as ours was possible
Is what opened the way for us to meet.
In spite of the thorns we saw only roses.
Defying the odds, we found only love.
Am I what I am feeling?
Do my emotions define me?
Spending time on the ocean
Adrift in a boat without oars
I’ve had the chance to trust
That in spite of what I feel
I am safe.
I was so long immersed
In the beguilement of love,
Bathing in the beauty of it,
Sheltered in its protective harbor.
When, in an instant, it was taken,
Rendering me lost and searching
In the many days since
Experiencing the many faces
Of emotions and deep sorrow,
I have learned to acquiesce,
To find contentment within.
Yet it often eludes me, leaving me
Trusting there is a process
Engaged within is an alliance,
A microcosm of the infinite,
Oneness with all that is.
Herein dwells the safe harbor
That keeps me secure
Letting my emotions
Simply be what they are,
Observing the comings
And goings of them all
I might find the freedom
To explore beyond the borders
There can be a coalition
Between grief and joy
Where both might occupy
The same space in time.
Easing the barriers between them
There can be a cease fire
An amicable truce.
Both factors may ebb and flow
As ocean tides have always done.
To facilitate internal peace
Making way for evidential change,
Fear wears many faces.
Sometimes it pretends to be droll.
Then it will let me think
It is here to protect me from harm.
It presents many disguises
Seducing me to trust .
It will lure me in under pretense
Only to abandon me.
Fear is fickle and does not care.
Lately I have been afraid.
I want to be strong, at least
Appear to be so, yet
I don’t feel strong at all.
I’m afraid that life has beaten me
And I won’t be able
To get up again, this time.
I know that all things die.
It is the natural way of life.
But now I am living each day
Waiting for that other shoe to drop.
I realize in my heart
This is no way to live.
I wonder if I am caught,
Trapped in the many sorrows.
I no sooner say goodbye to one
Then another and then another,
When one by one those I have loved
Go on their way, away.
I don’t know if I can do it again.
I haven’t had a chance to breathe.
There has to be a way
To find a lasting peace.
So far it has been fleeting.
To accept things as they are
Realizing it is the answer
I seem reluctant and just can’t.
Maybe I see things as they are
But haven’t reached the place
Of a peaceful reconciliation,
Only fearful resignation.
So I am afraid right now
I don’t know where to turn.
Answers are evasive
No safe places to hide,
Fueling this sense of futility.
If I can manage one more day
And then another and another,
To persevere and trust
That all things come to pass
I might wake up and start a new day.
In my journey there is much I know
Yet so much more I don’t.
Somewhere within the unknown
There dwells a truce with uncertainty
Trusting that all is and will be well
Regardless of what fear tries to say.
There can be comfort in not knowing
So I will seek it, get to know it
Learning once again to trust
That which I don’t understand.
We Endure 3-29-21
The days I felt as though I could not brave another day,
The nights I was sure I would succumb to the darkness
To ever be where no light existed, no love and surely no hope.
One day melting and leading into another, ceaselessly on,
Immobilized and paralyzed with intolerable grief and loss,
I survived those days finding myself here, so many days hence.
We endure. Somehow we manage to count every second,
Those eternal measures of time that prey upon our minds.
We do endure it all in spite of ourselves, in spite of it all.
Our minds seek the light when we are submerged in blackness.
We strain our eyes to see beyond the heavy shroud of night,
One day to find ourselves shielding against the returning light
I don’t remember the day the color came back into my world
I just know it had returned and I noticed, feeling alive once more.
Relishing the long moments, I tarried and then chose to stay.
To bear tragedies that would surely kill us if we conjured them
Is the mystery of our ability to endure the impossibilities.
Curiously we seek and find higher ground to view the horizon.
When the sorrow and sadness eventually becomes uninteresting,
The thirst for life shifts towards an insatiable desire to live and thrive.
And so in spite of the occasional eclipse, I will linger to endure.
To Die Is To Live Again 3-22-21
Black silhouetted ravens dance amongst gathering clouds
Soaring high above me, I imagine myself, there, with them.
Reminding myself to notice the subtle nuances of nature,
Contrasting colors, the sounds of music playing on the wind,
The sadness that has dogged me of late begins to fade some.
I am thinking of a broken world, a broken spirit, a broken me
How to fix any of it, if even feasible and where would I begin?
Perhaps it is not possible to fix, making things right is relative.
Considering what is and accepting things as they are, as imperfect,
Presents an opportunity to let go of the mounting outrage.
To recognize that which is outrageous is not the same thing
As finding myself lost in the maize and seduction of egregiousness.
Stepping back into a balancing perspective clears my vision,
A chance to see what it is I can do and what I cannot change.
Receding into minuteness helps me to see the broader picture.
Allowing myself to be lost, to be directionless to feel purposeless
To float freely high above the clouds, abandoning all like the birds,
Letting the sorrow, disappointment and fear fly away with the wind.
Perhaps I might discover within this weightlessness, some comfort
A restoring of my fractured soul, a chance to find a lasting peace.
The frenetic distractions of life do not satisfy the emptiness.
Frantically pouring kinetic cement into all the cracks and holes
Serves only to buy a bit of time, delaying the inevitable pain of loss.
The fire breathing dragon waits patiently for me to succumb
So now, I cease the running and fighting, letting flames consume me.
Lying quietly in the darkness of my tomb, surrendering to nature,
This is my return to the dust which first created me so long ago.
In life we die many times, to reappear, renewed, more than before.
Brokenness is necessary in all things for ongoing change to occur.
So it is with me, another resurrection for my wounded soul to come home .
There’s a purple flower out side my window
Stretching it’s petals out as far it is able to
Catching every ray of nourishing sunshine.
Its simplicity reminds me of my own desires,
Needs and wants which now have retreated
To the uncomplicated, easier and quieter.
What sustains me these days is much reduced.
Ambitions have lessoned, hunger tempered.
The insatiable lust to get ahead now sleeps.
Now is the time to reflect, to mourn, to grieve
To remember those who have passed and gone.
Feeling their weight, grateful for their worth.
Like the little purple blossom lazily basking
I am attempting to replicate this modest change.
The essence of life expresses in its innocence.